Why I haven’t blogged properly in a while…

It’s been a while since I properly sat down and wrote out a blog, and I’m going to explain myself.

Firstly, school. Never in my life, have I been so stressed from school. A-Levels are hard, and tricky to keep on top of. I’m trying to be as organised as possible and if that means taking a break from my blog then so be it. I’m a student that needs to study to pass exams, if I don’t, I end up getting E’s.

Secondly, anxiety. I’ve been trying to control my anxiety. I’ve been to the doctor and I’m currently awaiting counselling sessions. I’ve been doing research online and I’m finding many techniques to help my anxiety as much as possible- I’m going to do a blog on it soon when I have the time!

And that’s it really. I apologise if you enjoy reading this blog, that I haven’t posted a post in a while but I promise I will be back soon!

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Well…

When I feel like things are going great and going back on track, something bad always happens. Today I found out someone I like is with someone. I just wonder why does it always happen to me? I’m always the one getting hurt. It’s like history is constantly repeating itself. But I’m going to be that girl that world’s stop spinning because of some guy. I going to enjoy myself, and enjoy me time no matter how long it is. I don’t want to sit around and whine about him because that’s the worst thing I can do.

My weight.

prom.jpgOn the left, I am ten, on the right, I am sixteen. Almost six years apart which is unbelievable. One thing though which is very different is my weight. I’ve always been so insecure about my weight since a lot of my friends were skinny and could wear the things I wanted to wear but I didn’t feel comfortable in it. In that left picture, I am breathing in and holding my arms in front of my stomach (also wearing spanx) because that’s what I’m most insecure about. I was thinking in my head at that current moment, that I would see the picture later and hate it.I always dread full-body pictures, that’s why at prom when everyone offered to take pictures of me in my dress I felt panicked because I wanted to have a good night and not be self-conscious about what I was wearing. When you are the weight that I am, you have to find happiness in your own way. It hurts when you see a guy you like go for someone who’s skinny because it really kicks down your confidence. I’ve always tried to be as confident as I can be and over the past two years that has been incredibly hard. I gained weight over a summer back in 2013. I don’t really know what was going on with me around that time but I would comfort eat. I would eat food and I would feel better. Though I have managed to get it under control (which took two years), I can’t believe I went up two dress sizes that summer.summer

Picture on the left, June 2013, picture on the right, end of August 2013. Though there is not a big difference. I did go up two dress sizes. You can see it on my face and arms. My eating was uncontrollable. I would eat 24/7, I would eat if I was bored, that’s why if you’re a comfort eater, please, convert to something more healthy. My confidence dropped in August, most of my clothes weren’t fitting. The shorts in the right picture, were so tight but in June fit me so well.

I think my weight rised when I went back to my school, late 2013. And the reason being, was my ex-boyfriend (who I won’t reveal any details). I felt happy with him, over the summer, he made me feel confident and happy but it turned out to be all lies. I should have known from the beginning that something wasn’t right. I really liked him in the beginning, but we weren’t walking down the same street. He had went out with me for a dare, and going out with a girl (who really likes you) only for a dare and to found out it was all lies is truly heartbreaking. He would go home and all of his friends would take it in turns to chat to me. When I found this out, I ate. I ate and I kept eating. I felt comfort from the food, and ended up gaining a lot of weight. IMG_0295This was late December 2013, and you can see I have gained a lot of weight. I didn’t feel happy when I took pictures of myself. It made me feel sick, I would always click on the picture of me and debate deleting it. The clothes I wore became bigger so it would hide my shape and make me comfortable. I would always eat more. I would have a chinese every night because my friend would order it. I would eat snacks when I wasn’t even hungry.

Now, I’m not saying that being over-weight is bad. Like I said, you have to find your own happiness. I can happily say, I am happy. I don’t need to be skinny to be happy. I love my body at the moment and I’m working out to tone my body down and make it healthy. I don’t care if people look at me and think ‘she’s well fat’- does it matter that I’m happy? I don’t need a size to resemble my happiness. I believe it’s what’s on inside that counts. Do you know what all these pictures have in common? I’m the same person in all of them. My personality hasn’t changed- I’m still quirky, and dorky. I always tell my friends that I won’t date people that have looked down on me because of my weight. If I lost all this weight and was super skinny and all those boys who accused me of being fat, want to suddenly be with me. Rod off!! If you didn’t like me fat, you certainly can’t have me skinny.

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Wearing a dress, without spanx, February 2016! And I felt amazing!!

I’m writing this blog to help girls who feel insecure about their weights and letting you know, you can find your happiness.

 

Cerys xox

#fatbitch 😀