Shaming people & anxiety

Anxiety can be a real pain in  the arse sometimes, it affects me from doing stuff I thoroughly enjoyed three years ago. I know people have really bad anxiety, and I’m so lucky that I’ve only got it a bit not as bad as other people- I would love to hear stories on anxiety!

I used to be able to talk to so many people without the voice at the back of my head saying ‘they’re going to judge you’ or ‘you’re not as pretty as the other girls’. As I grow, I want people to be proud with what shape or size body they have because everyone is beautiful. It upsets me that people compare themselves to Victoria Secret Models, they are also beautiful but I believe there is no such definition as ‘ugly’.

Of course, you joke with your friends occasionally saying ‘ew they’re well ugly.’ But after being that person for a few years and I’ve hated it. I will bitch about people occasionally because it’s in our human nature to be mean. I am just so destroyed by the people who are affected by everyday comments. People don’t realise how much words can really hurt.

Shaming someone’s body or personality can lead to serious consequences, and I’m talking from personal experiences and other people. I went through two years of my so-called best friend calling me stupid, which actually, in the end made me suicidal and not the girl I was three years ago.

But a part of me is glad that, that girl who called me names for two years has shaped me into the person I am today. Though I will never be able to forgive, or even see the slightest bit of niceness past her. I thank her, for shaping me into the confident and happy person I am today. Going through that rough patch was hard, yes I admit, and I would never want anyone to go through it ever, I did learn a lot from it. I learnt that words really do hurt, they can really affect you in the inside. I literally held scissors to my wrist and said to myself- “I could end this all now.” And it pains me to even think about ending my life over this one girl, who must have been, seriously insecure. It pains me that I didn’t leave a note, and I was prepared to die thinking no-one cared for me. I didn’t say goodbye to my Mum, my dad nor my two brothers. I was prepared to kill myself at that very moment but as I held the scissors to my wrist, a voice in the back of my head was telling me I was stronger then this, and eventually it would all get better.

I know your probably don’t believe it but there really is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it will come eventually. It pains me everyday people give up when they can keep fighting.

Though I have changed, I am left with constant anxiety, afraid my friends will begin calling me names or everyone thinks I’m stupid. It hangs around me like a dark cloud everyday and hopefully one day it’ll fade away.

Please don’t give up,

eutonycerys

New year, new me.

Though that is such a cliche term to use at the start of the year, I wanted it to be true.

In late November, I faced a situation I never thought I would face with this guy. I had liked him for a year and a bit and things went smoothly. I have mentioned on him before and if you want to know what happened before the situation, go and check it out.

Throughout the night, he was dancing with this girl, had his hands all over her the entire night, and it really upsetted me since it was my birthday so at that point I simply said to myself, “I’m done.” and it was true, I am done.

I went through a really weird phase, I didn’t know what to do with myself and I almost felt lost without him but trust me, it was just the hormones. But after a very relaxing weekend in London, it opened my eyes to a clearer world.

I realised there are plenty of other fish in the ocean and I don’t need him, he can fuck off for all I care and so this is  a new start.

And I want you to join along…